No, life isn’t just hard. It’s fucking hard. Can we all please just stop and acknowledge that without getting our panties in a twist over the f-bomb? Because if there was ever a time that little gem is appropriate, it’s in this context.
I’m a pretty positive person. I don’t whine a lot, I’m kind to other people, I work hard, I love hard. Just like most of you reading this. None of us are even close to perfect, but we strive, and we strive, and we strive to…
…create a happy environment around us.
…plant the seeds of our dreams – those tiny, delicate seeds – in a field that we then tend without ceasing in hopes of seeing fruit one day.
…help others who need helping.
…cheer for those who are experiencing blessing.
…smile when we feel like scowling.
…pick ourselves up when things don’t go well, ignore our scraped knees and hands, and continue on.
…make life better.
But life is fucking hard. It’s an uphill battle that includes setbacks and avalanches with smallish victories tossed in there, you know, just enough to keep a person willing to continue the climb. The mountaintops are few and far between, and I don’t know about you, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen one.
I don’t often post about my struggles here. I’m not comfortable with that. But right now I’m feeling terribly uncomfortable with the whole paint-on-a-smile-and-pretend-like-you’re-not-exhausted-worn-out-emotionally-drained-financially-strained-desperately-fighting-the-monster-of-vocational-obscurity-and-feelings-of-inadequacy-as-a-parent-and-spouse-and-human-being thing.
Nothing has really gone wrong in my ordinary, extraordinary life – other than the continual struggle to just be has caught up with me. I’m tired. My creative well is dry. My capacity to be patient is shrinking. My ability to hope is growing dim.
I know that life is an ebb and flow. I know that on this journey there are beautiful spreading vistas, and dark, deep valleys. I know there are deserts and wilderness, and times when the sun shines and it seems like all the world is right. And I know that whatever cloud is currently overhead will pass, and maybe then I won’t feel so much like curling into the fetal position and sucking my thumb like a frigging infant until kingdom come. And because of the faith that is the bedrock to my life, I know that I am Loved in a way that would drown me in its goodness if I would let it.
My head knows all this stuff. My heart is bruised and wants a break.
LIFE IS FUCKING HARD. You feel me?