Swelling Insanity

Something happens when a woman becomes pregnant.  Duh, right?  At first, the excitement over the miracle of new life can be beautifully overwhelming – the thought of feeling those little kicks inside your belly, the cutest little teeny-tiny booties you’ve ever seen, the anticipation of holding your newborn for the first time.  Oh my goodness…it’s euphoric.

But eventually reality kicks in.  Morning sickness.  All-day sickness.  Bizarre cravings.  Bizarre cravings that must be satisfied now.  Swollen ankles.  Swollen fingers.  Swollen…everything.  If it has a name, and is attached to a pregnant woman’s body, it can (and will) swell.

Maybe that swelling has something to do with the significant amount of crazy that accompanies pregnancy.  Maybe the little part of the brain where crazy is normally kept, heavily guarded and only released very occasionally for good behavior, swells, too.  I don’t know what, or how, or why it happens, but during those nine months, the crazy is unleashed.  Suddenly, what began as a euphoric journey into the magical kingdom of Giddy-Happy-I’m-Building-a-Freaking-Person-Here takes a sharp, un-signalled left turn into the third-world dystopian territory of How-Could-He-Eat-Cereal-In-Front-of-Me-When-He-Knows-I-Can’t-Stand-the-Smell-of-It-He-Must-Hate-Me-and-Our-Baby.

Some days are better than others.  Some days I’m able to keep the crazy contained, and do damage control for previous unsavory actions.  This usually involves apologizing for things that I know I’ve done in a hormonal stupor, but sound utterly foreign to my ears:  “I’m sorry I insisted I sleep with both your pillow and mine.  And that I wouldn’t let you have any blankets.  And that I made you stare at me, unblinking, until I finally fell asleep.  And that when you tried to gently pull your pillow out of my hands when you thought I was asleep that I clawed you with my fingernails.  And that now we’re in the ER waiting for you to get stitches.”

I’m a normally happy, sweet girl.  But the deeper I get into each pregnancy, the crazier I get.  And since we’re working on offspring number four, the crazy has spawned it’s own sort of crazy.

Examples:

*While at Barnes and Noble this weekend, I spotted a book about cupcakes.  A normal person would look at a book of cupcakes and think, “Huh.  Look.  A book about cupcakes.”  My thought was, “Huh.  Look.  A book about cupcakes.  I want a cupcake.”  I glanced over my shoulder at the good folks around me.  I swear on the slice of pepperoni pizza I’m eating right now that every single person in the store was holding a half-eaten cupcake, with frosting smeared on their upper lip, moaning in gastronomical pleasure over how good the cupcakes were.

“Why does everybody have a cupcake but me?” I asked Thomas, glaring at him, because obviously my cupcake-less status was all his fault.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, taking a huge bite out of a chocolate cupcake with white frosting.  My absolute favorite.

“Can I have a bite of that?” I asked.

“A bite of what?” he asked, licking frosting off his fingers with great relish.  Bastardo.

“Your cupcake!” I said impatiently, reaching for his cupcake and snatching it out of his hands.  He stared at me in shock, mouth gaping open as I crammed the rest of his half-eaten cupcake into my pie-hole.

“Ugh!” I grunted, spitting it out.  It was disgusting.  Terrible.  Tasted like paper.

I looked at the half-masticated mess in my hands.  It wasn’t a cupcake at all.  It was a Nook brochure.  Confused, I looked around.  Nobody was eating cupcakes.  They were looking at books, talking quietly with each other, some sipping on coffee.  But no cupcakes.

Not.  A single.  One.

I still want my freaking cupcake.

*While I was making a salad last night, the hubster sat at the kitchen table to keep me company.  He cracked open a beer and continued chatting with me.  Now, a normal person would think, “That’s nice.  He’s having a beer.  Maybe I should offer to fetch him a coozie.”  My thought was, “I can’t believe he just opened a beer in front of me!!  Doesn’t he know that if I even smell alcohol, our child will be born with severe birth defects?”  I stabbed the head of lettuce with my knife, called him a jerk, burst into tears, and fled to the bathroom where I sequestered myself for 45 minutes.  Thirty of those minutes were spent sobbing over the fact that I’m the only one who cares about the health of our unborn child, five of those minutes were spent missing the cold, refreshing taste of beer, another ten were spent vengefully cleaning the toilet with the hubster’s toothbrush, and the last five were spent unconscious in an impromptu power nap.  Once I regained consciousness, I stumbled back into the hall, no memory of the incident at all, wondering why my husband and three children were staring at me like I was wearing a vest made of C4.

And guess what.  I still want my freaking cupcake.

Someday soon, our little bundle of joy will enter the world.  The crazy sector in my brain will shrink back to it’s normal size, and life will continue on.  And I (hopefully the hubster, too) can look back on that time fondly, knowing it was all in an effort to add a little more innocence, a little more sweetness, a little more hope to the world.  Because kids are, and always will be, one of the biggest reasons to have hope for the future.  They are absolutely one of the most beautiful blessings we can receive in this life.  The forays into Crazy-Town will have all been worth it for the sake of a new little life.

But if somebody doesn’t get me a cupcake, pronto, there will be blood.

 

31 thoughts on “Swelling Insanity

  1. Please, please, PLEASE tell me that you didn’t really clean the toilet with T’s toothbrush! Or at least that you told him before he used it.
    And now I’ve got to go wipe the liquid off my computer screen.

  2. It’s been a few years since I visited that type of crazy-town but you describe it exactly as it is. Wish I could send you a cupcake but by the time it got there you’d been craving something else. Great post!

  3. O.M.G. RIOT! I feel for you…but absolutely hysterical – thank you for sharing and here’s to you getting your cupcake FINALLY!! LOL!!
    Reason 10028485 I will never become pregnant or have children. LOL!!

  4. Oh my Bob…your description of the melt-down…PRICELESS. And as an aside, did you know it’s difficult to actually get your hands on C-4? My family has mentioned it in conversations more than once. Just sayin’, is all. In case you thought you had a lock on Crazy Town. I think we (and by we I mean my blood relatives) were the original settlers. :-)

    I’ll make you cupcakes as soon as I can.

  5. I absolutely love reading your blog, Myndi!
    This made me laugh so hard but only because it is so true! It’s been over 18 years the last time I was pregnant (hard to believe my youngest is that old!) but I totally remember being held hostage by my emotions. I could go straight from laughing hysterically to tears and sobs in less than a second. I never had cupcake hallucinations but I wanted pizza, really really bad. Problem was anything with tomato sauce made me puke. It was horrible. All my favorite foods were off limits. That’s enough to make any one crazy! lol!
    Hope T got you a cupcake and himself a new toothbrush.
    Hang in there!
    Jennifer

  6. Love this post. I have been working on ideas for my next book, which will involve a pregnancies, and it had me remembering some of the crazy things I did to my poor husband. I would order two enchiladas from my favorite mexican restaurant. I’d eat one with him, get up, throw it up in the sink, then eat the second one. For some reason, the second one never made me sick. Hubby was horrified. He lost weight during our pregnancy. I’m pretty sure I made him sick. I also HATED when he’d drink beer. I was so jealous. And the nonalcoholic stuff just doesn’t taste the same. Love your bathroom meltdown and hope you got a cupcake!

  7. Love, love, love this post Myn!! I was beyond crazy while preggos and a while after as well (I really don’t think the crazy will ever leave).Thanks for bringing levity to a naturally touchy subject! Still laughing!!

  8. OH my word, *giggle* this was SO funny. haha, an absolute priceless post about cupcakes and swelling and pregnancy.
    You know what I wanted while I was pregnant? Sour Skittles. Every time I went…anywhere, I had to buy sour Skittles.

  9. Oh, Myndi, poor gal – I feel for ya! Somebody give this woman a cupcake! And if hubs couldn’t tell his toothbrush had been used to clean the toilet, he needs some “practice,” LOL. For me the craziness didn’t go away right after the baby was born – it took a good month or so before it was safe for me to go back out in public, LOL.

  10. Awesomeness! I’ve never been pregnant and I loved reading this! Have to admit it made me glad I’ve never been pregnant. All I can say is Really? Not exaggerating you hallucinated? That is sweet! Did you ever get a cupcake? My most recent pregnancy memory is of a former co-worker going through an entire show, calling a sea lion by the wrong name, and using the wrong signals. Then being confused as to why the poor sea lion wasn’t acting right. Ha!

  11. That’s hilarious lol. You know, there are not one but THREE cupcake stores in Dallas. Probably more, but three I know of. That’s all they sell, cupcakes. I prefer Sprinkles myself. Shall I have them ship you a box? ;-)

  12. I laughed out loud. Not a giggle. Like a drop-my-phone-and-clutch-my-belly laugh out loud. I’m pregnant with my first and you helped me feel like I wasn’t the only crazy out there.

  13. Yes, this sounds extremely accurate. The book I’m writing right now documents the “crazy” hormone, very closely. “Cupcake hallucinations” are very real. Nothing to be laughed at…You should go back to Barnes and Noble and demand one…LOL

    …..with sprinkles.

  14. Myndi, I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think our sanity ever does come back altogether! LOL! At least not like BC= Before Children. I used to tell my husband to Duck and Cover! it wasn’t a pretty picture. Especially since I gained 50 pounds with each pregnancy. My husband used to call me Karen McFertile because our children were so close together. I burned my pregnancy clothes afterwards and hung the crib in the rafters of the house like it would protect me from his sperm. Don’t get me wrong, I love our kids. But living with me during pregnancy was like waking through a field of land mines. May the force be with you my dear. And please tell me that you finally got your cupcake! :)

  15. That is too funny. One of my good friends recently had a baby and she had some similar issues while pregnant. The biggest was her memory. She would forget what she was saying in the middle of sentences and loose track of whole conversations. We called it pregnancy brain. I’ll be interested to see how fast her real brain comes back.

  16. ROFL! Oh, I remember those pregnancy days and although I’ve never developed any food cravings, I couldn’t stand a smell, a taste, or even a thought of coffee when I carried my son. I also absolutely hated the fact that my husband could indulge himself in sipping a beer in front of me while I tried to convince myself that a non-alcoholic beer tastes just as good. Blah.

    I’m crossing my fingers so the remainder of your pregnancy is “less-eventful” :-) If I lived close to you, I would have baked you two dozen of those chocolate cupcakes topped with a white fluffy frosting!

  17. I’m not even pregnant and I always want a cupcake, but I do remember being crazy about laffy taffy, particularly the sour apple flavor when I was pregnant with my daughter. It sounds disgusting to me now, but then I ate so much that I got a free Laffy taffy t-shirt.

  18. LOL. For me, it was chocolate chip cookie dough. I was up to half a tube a day by the time my daughter was born. When she arrived, my hubby brought roses and cookie dough to the hospital. When I got home, I had a stash in the fridge. Day 3, it was gone, and I wasn’t the reason. I’m still embarrassed that my mother-in-law saw me literally homicidal over cookie dough.

    Hope you get your share of cupcakes today. :)

  19. I really hope you got that darn cupcake! My first pregnancy started in England in March. Guess what you cannot get in England? Cantaloupe. Nope, not in March, or ever I think. They have some weird hybrid melon that looks like a cantaloupe, but doesn’t taste like it. I would’ve killed for a piece of cantaloupe the entire three months I was there while pregnant. Pregnancy is a funny thing. I hope someday your husband will find all of this just as funny as we have!

  20. thanks for the laughs Myndi. I’ve read this reaction and seen it on TV and in others but I didn’t have that experience.

    I felt so good when I was pregnant. a bit emotional but nothing like now, post menopause. Healthier, glowing. No morning sickness, no cravings, It’s okay you can hate me now. Oh and I didn’t have any labor either. Now I’m in deep doo doo, right?

    thanks for a chuckle before I hit the hay.

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  22. Laughing . . . so hard . . . I can barely . . . breathe.

    Oh goodness, Myndi. This was awesome. I’ve never been pregnant, but apparently I say some really weird things when I’m uber-tired. And I stress laugh. Normally this isn’t a problem, but about two weeks before my wedding, I laughed for an hour solid–while crying. And my fiance (now husband) just sat there awkwardly patting my back, not sure if he should hug me or hide.

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